The “If Only” Loop
If you’ve lost a pet and keep thinking: “If only I had noticed sooner…” or “What if I made the wrong choice?”—you’re far from alone. Guilt after a pet’s death is one of the most common and painful parts of grieving. Many pet owners replay their decisions over and over, especially if euthanasia was involved.
Guilt is one of the hardest issues my clients face, the one that sticks the longest. Here we’ll look at what psychology tells us about it, and how you can begin to find compassion for yourself, ultimately releasing you from the ravages of its grips.
Why Guilt Shows Up After Pet Loss
Guilt is one way our minds try to make sense of something heartbreaking, so difficult to even comprehend. When we love that deeply, we want control—we want to protect our pets from harm since that is what we do the entirety of their lives. We take every measure we can to keep them well, and every measure to minimize their pain. When they die, the mind scrambles to find what we could have done differently.
But research shows that guilt often has little to do with actual wrongdoing. It’s more about the depth of the emotional bond and the shock of losing it.
- A 2016 study in the Journal of Veterinary Medical Education found that guilt after euthanasia is extremely common even when the decision was clearly medically indicated.
- Psychologists call this “counterfactual thinking”—imagining alternative scenarios where the loss didn’t happen. Our brains can tend to “believe what we feel”, instead of “believe what we know”. If we “feel” we could have changed the outcome, our brains become convinced it was possible.
The Special Weight of Euthanasia Decisions
Choosing euthanasia can feel unbearable because you had to make an active decision about ending your pet’s life. Even when a veterinarian and others you trust confirm it was the most compassionate, even necessary, option, many owners still feel responsible. I have often heard clients say, “I killed my pet.” This represents an extreme version of guilt, but not uncommon. Every fiber of our body pulls against this decision because 1) we’ve never or rarely been faced with a decision of this magnitude, and 2) every decision we’ve made until this point has been about preserving their life.
A 2022 paper in Frontiers in Veterinary Science notes that pet owners often experience decisional regret even when their choice spared their pet prolonged suffering. The guilt stems from love and at times, the belief that we have more control than we actually do.
Signs of Healthy vs. Unhealthy Guilt
Some guilt is normal. It reflects how deeply you cared. But when guilt becomes overwhelming or paralyzing, it can make grief even harder.
Healthy guilt might sound like:
- “I wish I had caught their illness sooner, but I know I did my best with the information I had.”
Protracted or stubborn guilt sounds more like:
- “I failed my pet. I’ll never forgive myself.”
If your guilt feels constant, interferes with daily life, or is paired with depression, it’s important to seek professional grief support or join a pet loss support group. Getting additional support can help you sort out why the guilt turned to self-blame.
Steps Toward Self-Compassion
While many of us wish we could, we can’t go back in time. But you can change how you treat yourself moving forward. Here are some gentle ways to begin:
- Remind yourself of the FACTS: What did your vet say? Did you follow their advice? Did you provide love and care throughout your pet’s life? Did you make the best decisions with the information you had at the time? Chances are you did all of the above, and even if you didn’t, focusing on ONE potentially missed aspect negates a lifetime of care.
- Challenge the “what ifs” and “I should haves”: First, ask yourself, “Would I judge another pet parent the way I’m judging myself?” Also, don’t let the “What ifs” stand alone as a question without answering it. Those questions are actually accusatory self-blame remarks disguised as a question. For instance, “What if I took him for a second opinion?” Play that out, using FACTS to answer your question.
- Create a goodbye ritual: Light a candle, write your pet a letter, or make a memory album. Rituals help externalize grief and release some of the “stuck” feelings. These rituals also help you make the transition to accepting that your pet is gone.
- Talk to safe people: Many feel misunderstood by friends or family. A pet loss support group or grief specialist can validate your experience, and normalize the guilt feelings. Since most people who have lost a pet grapple with this feeling, hearing others share is often very comforting.
Your Guilt Doesn’t Define You and the Relationship
Feeling guilty after losing a pet is a sign of love, not failure. You did your best with the knowledge and resources you had. And healing, finding peace, doesn’t mean forgetting; it means carrying their love forward without punishing yourself. The pain of their loss is enough to carry. With support and self-compassion, the pain can soften, and what remains is the bond that death can’t erase.
